Author: kimroppefarley

I can’t believe it happened. It was the Monday before Thanksgiving and I went to the grocery store(s) and got everything I needed for the holiday. And, get this. I actually remembered to grab all of my reusable bags out of the trunk of my car and used them. Suck it overflowing-drawer-of-plastic-bags. You’re not getting any bigger today. Feels good.

A day later and I am still currently reveling in this momentary feeling of success and calmness. Procrastination used to be my M.O., but I don’t get the stressful luxury of leaving things that are food related to the last minute anymore. When food allergies are involved, the holidays take you to a whole other level of stress, anxiety, planning, organization and time management. My Type A loves it, my full calendar hates it.

There are great articles out there giving people tips on how to navigate the holidays if you or your child has food allergies. How to stay safe and how to talk to your family about the seriousness and safety issues associated with the chaos. But what happens when family chooses the presence of pie over the presence of people?

Now I’m one of the lucky ones. Most of my family is willing and able to accommodate to my children’s food allergies. They take it seriously and respect my wishes when it comes to the food I allow around my them. I get the menu and recipes from everyone and then offer brand suggestions for the ingredients. I am currently navigating about five or so different text and email communications about food ingredients and that number will continue to increase into the 11^th hour. The constant communication can be very stressful and time consuming, but a small price to pay for me and my family to feel comfortable and attempt to semi-relax during the actual event.

It’s good to remember that every parent who has a child(ren) with food allergies will have a different comfort level in regards to what they will feed their child and what environment they will allow their child to be in.

It’s not about keeping your child in a bubble. It’s about risk assessment and partaking in the risks you are comfortable with. For example, you will never in a million years see me go into a Five Guys or Texas Roadhouse* or other restaurant that thinks it’s a good idea to have buckets of peanuts all over the place. But that doesn’t mean I won’t go to a restaurant to get my kids burgers or steaks. Ok, well they are not getting steaks. They are 2- and 3-years-old. If I am giving my 2-year-old steak I would be creating a monster and have no one to blame but myself.

Also, I will not purposely feed my kids food that share production lines with peanuts. This level of caution can be much more difficult when someone has multiple food allergies, but since I am lucky enough to only have to avoid peanuts at this point, it is a manageable thing to do.

Here is the best universal type of example I can give to help you understand:

Close your eyes. Actually, don’t close your eyes. That’s not going to work. Unless you have someone else available to read this to you. So just really, really try and picture this…

You are standing in a food manufacturing facility. You see the conveyor belt type looking production lines and big stainless steel machinery. The factory workers are all dressed in the appropriate attire—white lab-type coats and aprons, hair nets, gloves, etc. They are loading up the machines for the production of vanilla ice cream. There’s milk, sugar, etc all loaded in the machinery and ready to go. They fire up the machinery and one by one the ingredients plop into cartons, go down the line and get sealed up ready to ship to stores.

However, right before this machinery was used for vanilla ice cream production it was used for anthrax production. Or rat poison production. Take your pick.

All day long the same machinery cranked out boxes and bags of poison. But, no need to worry. After they stopped production on the poison the workers broke down the machinery and washed it before they started making the ice cream. But really, you don’t have to worry, the ice cream is totally safe to eat.  Not a drop of anthrax or rat poison was left in any crack or crevice of those machines. Trust me, just eat it.  It’s not a big deal, you’ll be fine. I mean, they washed the equipment really, really well. 

So, would you eat THAT ice cream or would you eat the ice cream that was made in a facility where it was anthrax and rat poison free?  Peanuts are our fucking rat poison. I get that is hard to understand when peanuts are not universally harmful, but they are poison to my children.

Again, but wait. There is a really thorough cleaning process. Its fine…**

Have you ever cleaned a knife that was used to spread peanut butter?  A simple rinse doesn’t take it off.  Think about how much you must scrub to get peanut butter off of a knife. Have you ever opened your dishwasher only to still have food particles on your dishes? Have to had to really dig in the corners of a hand held food chopper to get every last particle out?  

Because of all of this we are very particular about what manufacturers/brands we use.  The law states that companies only have to list intentional ingredients on their labels.***  Some companies choose to go the precautionary steps farther and label with statements like “may contain…” or “made in a shared facility with…” or “made on the same production lines as…” etc.  These statements are voluntary and not always consistent.  I personally choose to support companies that are a combo of safety and transparency.

So, back to the whole family- holiday-get-together thing. In many cases, families who have kids with food allergies—especially toddlers and babies who are starting to be mobile and put things into their mouths and don’t understand the seriousness of food allergies yet—will often ask for their family to accommodate and not have the allergen present. Especially if it is something easy to omit. But what I sadly see are people get straight up pissed and defensive of their pecan pie. How dare you suggest we bake an alternative pie to the precious pecan pie? Gasp.

I get that food is the center of many events. I get that certain foods are tradition. I get that you don’t want to suffer because of someone else, but wow. I am amazed by the number of people out there that put a food item before the presence of a family member.

I see on food allergy support groups so many threads of people asking for advice on how to handle unaccommodating family. Responses will vary from telling the person to simply not go, to suggesting the person try and educate and explain the seriousness. I fall somewhere in the middle. I am all about education until someone just doesn’t seem to care. I won’t waste my breath for long. At least in the moment. Maybe next time. But I will gladly take the time to talk to the people who will listen and will do anything I can to support their willingness to support me and my family.

So this Thanksgiving what am I thankful for? I am thankful for those in my life who are willing to choose to include my family rather than take the easy way out. I am thankful for those willing to follow my strict food rules without rolling their eyes. I am thankful for the online support groups to support those who don’t have as much family understanding and acceptance. I am thankful that the food allergy we have to manage is somewhat easier in certain ways than others. I am thankful to those who are taking the time to read this and want to learn about the seriousness and struggles of food allergy families. I’m thankful for you sticking around when the seriousness sometimes outweighs the sarcasm I typically exude. Thanks peeps. You’re swell. Unless you pick pie over people. Then you kind of suck. Eat that pie on your own time. Plus pumpkin>pecan.

*At the time of this blog post Five Guys and Texas Roadhouse have free peanuts available at their restaurants

**I believe that staff thoroughly clean the equipment and follow their company’s cleaning policies to the best of their abilities

***As of the date of this blog

Ugh, I hate that feeling. That feeling when you consciously know you are about to make a bad decision, realize the whole time you are participating in said decision that it isn’t a good choice, and then afterwards wanting to kick your own butt for allowing yourself to go through with what you did. Instant regret.

I’m not talking about all those poor decisions that plagued our teens and twenties. I was usually blinded by something when dating the bad boy or taking that extra (or 5^th extra) shot of tequila. The bad decisions of my younger years were usually associated with alcohol, poor spending habits, and the questionable fashion trends of the early 2000s. I don’t think I want to know the amount of money I spent on Von Dutch, Juicy Couture, Captain Morgan, or Parliament Lights. What I’m talking about now is something a little different.

However, I do like to think that all the questionable choices I made back in the day were learning experiences. I will absolutely call them street smarts or learning experiences or whatever else to make myself feel better about them. And because of those experiences my kids aren’t going to get much by me. I am very grateful that social media and smart phones didn’t exist back then. Yikes. It’s enough that there is plenty of photographic evidence in a pile of photo albums tucked safely in my basement thanks to the commitment I made to always have a disposable camera in my purse.

Ok, let’s get back to the present day feeling I first referenced. The decision that triggered this regret themed post. That rare decision I recently made. What caused such turmoil?

Going through the fast food drive through.

Ugh, I’m hideous. Don’t look at me.

Also, I’m not sure if the fact that fast food consumption being one of the most questionable decisions I currently make in my life is a really good thing, or a really sad thing. I’ll have to reevaluate some things in my life.  Anyway…

What is it about fast food that is so wonderful and horrible at the same time? That awful deliciousness. The guilty pleasure that I can’t even truly enjoy because I regret eating it before I actually eat it. I regret the decision to eat fast food when just the possibility of getting fast food simply crosses my mind. I regret it when my car drives itself into the drive though line. I regret it as I place my order into the speaker. I regret it when they swipe my card (which, by the way, is way more damaging on the pocketbook than it used to be, WTH?). I regret it as I shovel it into my mouth and I really, really, really regret it the minute I retrieved and inhaled the final french fry from the bottom of the greasy bag. Damn you and your salty deliciousness.

I go through this mental mindf**k about once a month and it is always the same. When still having what we will call baby weight to lose, these snap decisions weigh more heavily than they should.  Most recently, I indulged a few days ago, but I noticed the feeling of guilt and regret was different this time.

It wasn’t the calories. It’s wasn’t the money spent. It wasn’t the “undoing” of the healthy eating I was otherwise doing. Instead it was a guilty feeling that I was able to take advantage of the convenience of utilizing a drive through safely when a person with food allergies doesn’t get the luxury of making this bad decision.

I was able to place my order, get my food, and slide into a parking spot to quickly eat my food while I was in the middle of running multiple errands that day. I didn’t have to give it another thought. When you have food allergies and decide to hit up a fast food restaurant the idea of going through the drive through is something that doesn’t really cross your mind. The drive through is meant to be quick and simple and there is nothing quick and simple about getting meal out with food allergies.

Now I am going to assume there are people with food allergies who utilize the drive through without a second thought. I have a family member with a cashew allergy—something that isn’t a staple at fast food restaurants—so I know he is able to take advantage of this convenience. But for those with dairy, gluten, egg, peanut, multiple allergies, etc…it isn’t so easy.

The simple act of asking for a hamburger and stressing that you can’t have cheese due to a dairy allergy could mean that someone may plop the cheese on the burger out of habit, then see on the ticket there shouldn’t be cheese, simply pick the cheese off the burger and serve it anyway leaving behind dairy “residue” which could in turn trigger an allergic reaction. That’s all it takes.

When you go through a drive through and are a faceless voice in a headset with no ability to witness the preparation of your food you are taking a huge risk. One I personally will not take when my children’s lives are at stake. I’m not trusting enough.

I can count on my hands the number of times I have done fast food for my kids. Never through the drive through. Here is what the process looks like*:

1. Look at the restaurant website. Note how prevalent the allergen is the food served there. Decide if the risk is low enough to attempt to get food there. Even if the restaurant is somewhere we’ve gone before we will check out the menu since items (especially since seasonal and dessert based items change frequently).
2. Go to the restaurant. Don’t utilize the drive through, but instead park and walk inside.
3. Assess the environment. There have been times it was so busy and the staff seemed overwhelmed and disorganized that we changed our minds because we didn’t feel safe and walked out. If we did choose to order the first step is to alert the cashier of the allergy and gauge the response.
4. If the response isn’t a deer-in-headlights look we will typically place an order and ask the food preparers do a quick wipe of the food prep station and change gloves. This is a request that sometimes a manager will actually instruct staff to do at first mention of the allergy without our prompting. When that happens we feel as if we found a “good” place.
5. Get the food, verify the proper protocol was followed, and take the food home to eat. At this point we have never eaten inside at a fast food restaurant. Usually one of us will go while the other parent stays home with the kids. In the event we bring the kids with to play in the play area, we will play for a while and then order the food to go.
6. Eat the food and stare at my children like a hawk, not allowing me to really relax and enjoy my meal. I have anxiety and trust issues even if I watched the entire process go down.

So, that’s what a trip to a fast food restaurant looks like for many families with food allergies. It’s not simple. It’s not quick. I could have likely made a meal in less time than it took to go through this process, but it gives my kids some sense of normalcy even though it is stress-inducing on many levels. And yes, I go through the same regret process shoving fast food in my face at my own kitchen table just like sitting in a car in a fast food parking lot. Dang those fries.

*I do not work nor have I previously worked in a fast food restaurant. I am not aware of the actual protocols in each restaurant that are (or should be) followed when a customer notes a food allergy. I am giving my perspective of what I experience and witness as a customer.

If a peanut can kill you, maybe you should let it.

It’s survival of the fittest. Let it play out.

I’m not dealing with those kids’ allergies, so don’t invite them to the party.

Don’t be friends with kids with food allergies, they are such a pain.

They are exaggerating, food can’t actually kill anyone.

These phrases are just a very, very small drop in the bucket of the negative comments made towards kids with food allergies. And these examples were said by adults. Yeah. By adults. What in the crap is wrong with people?

See that pic up there? Those are my sweet, hilarious, intelligent, caring, empathetic, active, athletic, musical, strong, stubborn children who happen to have life-threatening allergies to peanuts. And some adults apparently have the opinion that since a peanut can take them out, then they deserve for it to happen. My kids are nuisances and inconveniences, so forget them. Not worthy of inclusion. They are disposable. Insert super-duper sarcastic-annoyed-eye-roll emoji here.

Whenever I read or hear these types of comments the first thing I want to do is blow up and retaliate with hurtful and degrading expletives tearing the person down to the point where they would crawl in the corner into the fetal position begging for mercy. But I don’t.

I remind myself this frustration and unsettling rage—that quite possibly might need a little further looking into—is an immediate, instinctive, protective reaction that will soon dissipate once I pour myself a glass of wine and listen to FourFiveSeconds on repeat for a bit. Breathe in, breathe out…

Slowly that anger reaction transitions to more of a how rude a la Stephanie Tanner* mindset, and just reinforces the need to continue to bring awareness and understanding of food allergies to the forefront. I try and remember that people can be scared, confused, inconsiderate, and brush off what they don’t understand and what doesn’t directly affect them on the daily.

Recently there was a local radio morning show that made some jokes about food allergies. The three radio personalities were playing a version of Family Feud and the category was Name Something Other Than Candy That is Given Out at Halloween. And here’s how it went down…

They were struggling to come up with answers and once the answers were read the reaction was:

KR: “Dumb, dumb….unless you have a teal pumpkin out.”

Unknown: sigh….

DR: “What’s a Teal Pumpkin?”

KR: “That’s for allergy friendly things…” (The tone was perceived by many as condescending)

Partially inaudible between SL and KR: “We got one, yeah we do too” (I hope this is true, but again, the tone used seemed to be the eye-roll type of annoyance that irked many already)

DR: “Sorry, you got an allergy…go on to the next house…”

KR: “You have a sign…Peanut Allergies Not Welcome…”

DR: “I’m scattering peanut shells across my sidewalk…”

A few other comments were made in the mix and then laughter erupts as this is clearly such a witty, hilarious joke about—at best—excluding and making fun of kids, and—at worst—about potentially harming or killing them.

And now, cue the food-allergy-mama-bears and the immediate, innate reaction I spoke of earlier. This “joke” did not sit well as these types of comments and jokes are sadly common and remind us of how uneducated so many people are on the subject and how so many don’t take life-threatening food allergies seriously.

It sparked a heated thread in a local online food allergy support group. Some members reached out to the radio station and it resulted in one member going on the following day to address the frustration. I have mixed feelings about how it played out, but one thing that kept being asked by the hosts was how to turn this into a positive.  So here’s my opinion about turning this negative into a positive:

Understand when you are making these “jokes,” you are making jokes about children. Children who already feel different and experience exclusion and bullying because of their allergy. Forms of bullying like getting their allergens thrown at them or rubbed on them resulting in hospital stays and even death. You’re an adult. Let adults be your punchlines to your jokes. And set an example to your children that it’s not ok to make fun of children who have disabilities. (Yes, food allergies are considered a disability under the ADA**)

Now, I’m a big girl. I get that—especially with the trendy gluten-free lifestyle that gets constantly mocked—this topic will be the butt of jokes. If I were at a comedy show with an adult audience and something about food allergies came up, I’m going to think the comedian is uneducated on the subject and potentially a douche, but I’m not going to get worked up about it. It only reinforces my opinion on the need for more food allergy awareness. I understand that’s what comedians do. They take risks and push limits knowing not everyone is going to agree or appreciate their humor. But kids are off limits especially in a forum where kids are likely listening to an adult speak about them in a negative and bullying manner.

Don’t mock a movement that is aimed at inclusion of children like the Teal Pumpkin Project. Read my previous blog entry Glow Sticks for Days to get some more information about why this is so important.

Kids aren’t defined by their allergy. Never refer to them as “the allergy kid”. Would you call someone “the wheelchair kid” or “the cancer kid”? I hope not. If you said yes, you need to reevaluate some things in your life.

Include kids with allergies and participate in providing safe environments for them. Don’t dismiss them because it can be a few extra steps. Think about how crappy it sounds if you tell your child—who has a good friend with food allergies—that their friend is not allowed to their birthday party because you’re not willing to try to attempt to make it safe for them. More and more kids are being diagnosed with food allergies so there is a good chance this situation will happen, especially if you have young children.

The parent(s) will likely be extremely willing to talk to you about what can be done. And they aren’t typically unreasonable. They will not expect you to throw out all your peanut products or sign an oath to never eat an egg again. Don’t worry, you don’t need to learn the secret handshake. But they may ask you to wipe down counter tops, have the kids wash their hands and mouths after they eat, send them pictures of the labels of the products you are using or ask about what you are serving so they can bring their own safe food that is as close to the menu you are providing so their child can feel a part of the group. You don’t need to do all the heavy lifting. You just need to be the support brace so the parent can handle the big stuff.

Don’t be gross. Pick up after yourself in public. Do you know how many times I go to a grocery store and there is a cart with wrappers or other garbage in it? Every. Single. Time. That’s gross and lazy in general, but it’s dangerous to those with allergies. Food allergy parents always wipe down carts before they put their kids in it, but I shouldn’t have to toss your trash away, too, Oscar.

So hopefully what is taken from this post is that kids with food allergies are kids. They have to have a pretty thick skin already and they don’t deserve to be the butt of adult jokes. Do better.

*I do not own any rights to the sitcom Full House or the character Stephanie Tanner

**ADA stands for The Americans with Disabilities Act

That time of year is upon us again. We’ve retired our sunscreen and swimsuit cover ups for hydrating lip balm and hoodies. All things pumpkin spice have invaded every aspect of our lives and one of the best things about fall—football—has started to consume our Sundays. And likely Thursday and Monday nights if obsessing over fantasy football is your thing.

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I’m in Minnesota and while Minnesota summers are hard to beat (hello #lakelife), fall has always just kind of been my fave. Yes, the season does have some negative aspects, like reminding us that we’re one step closer to booger-freezing temperatures with streets and sidewalks that can double as ice rinks. However, hoodies, hot cocoa, and Halloween for the win.

I remember as a kid, Halloween was something I always looked forward to just like many kids do. When my brother and I were really young, our mom would get us in our costumes and drive us around to family members’ homes to show off how incredibly cute we were. During that mission we got a few treats, posed for some pics and that was that. Then we turned into big kids and started trekking through the neighborhood with our friends on one simple mission.

Cue the candy competition.

It was time for each of us to hit up as many houses as possible, load up our pillowcases with as much candy as we could carry, and make our way home to dump out the contents onto the living room floor, and then…trade-sies. And if you are Type A like me, you separated them into piles by candy type and the trades you made were quite strategic.  No way was I getting scammed for your garbage candy, bro.

Now I was trick-or-treating in the ‘80s and slightly into the ‘90s. (Yep, I certainly hiked through the 1991 Halloween Blizzard that Minnesota people still talk about every single year. Google it.) The mission was all about knowing what households passed out the best candy—major bonus points for full-size candy bars—and which ones dumped pennies or toothpaste in your bag.  Side note, the households that gave out cans of pop (that’s right…”pop”) were on a total other level of awesomeness.

But guess what?  Times, they have-a-changed. While I’m positive food allergies did exist in the world during my trick-or-treating days, I’m also positive I didn’t personally know anyone who suffered. Food allergies are on the rise at an alarming rate and it is often referred to as an epidemic* so we need to make adjustments.

What should be a fun experience every year can instead be stress-inducing, excluding, and downright dangerous. It is our responsibility as empathetic, compassionate, and understanding adults to do what is in our ability to ensure that we can offer the chance for all kids to get excited about Halloween. Especially because what we can do is something so simple.

FARE’s (Food Allergy Research & Education) Teal Pumpkin Project® is something I encourage everyone to participate in**. You can get all the wonderful info at www.tealpumpkinproject.org, but the gist is that you have non-food treats available for kids with food allergies.  Or for kids with dietary restrictions.  Or for kids with feeding tubes.  Or for kids with other health issues.  Or for kids who simply like something different than a candy bar or lollipop.

Now I get it, candy is tradition. I am not, nor is this campaign, asking you to stop passing out candy if that is a tradition you chose to uphold. Our family does both. We consciously choose to pass out candy that’s free from as many of the top 8 common allergens as we can find.

I find one of the biggest misconceptions about Teal Pumpkin Project® is that it is about providing peanut/nut free candy. That’s not it. Although peanuts may be one of the allergens that gets the most attention, there are so many other common (and not as common) allergens. That’s why it is about offering non-food treats. We keep the candy in one bowl and the non-food treats in another.

This will be our third year participating in the project and surprisingly so many of the kids have been excited about the non-food treats. I’ll admit I was skeptical at first because, you know, change and all. And, you know, candy. Also, we let the kids who want both candy and the non-food treat to take both so the non-food stuff doesn’t feel like a consolation prize or something.

So, let me leave you with a couple of tips from my own experiences thus far….

1. Check out the website www.tealpumpkinproject.org for more info. It includes free print offs to show that you participate in the Teal Pumpkin Project® and can answer all the questions you might have.
2. I’ve noticed that teal has made its way into fall décor the past few years. You can probably really do it up if you want.  For our porch pumpkin I bought a plain bright teal plastic pumpkin from a crafting store and some stick-on letters to write out Teal Pumpkin Project®.
3. Keep the bag(s) the candy came in and have them handy. Some people are more diligent and thorough than others, so while they might assume a candy you have is safe, the label can be helpful in making that determination. Don’t roll your eyes if someone asks if you have the bag/label.
4. Stuff that glows is always a hit. You can check out your local dollar-type stores for a bunch of options. This stuff doesn’t break the bank.  I actually spend a lot less on these items than I do candy. And being that kids trick or treat in the dark the glow sticks can help with safety. Double whammy.
5. Know that if you participate you are appreciated beyond words by the families out there that deal with these allergies on the daily. One, for providing a safe item so their kid can feel included and two, for raising awareness. Everyone who comes to your door sees that teal pumpkin and maybe that will prompt a discussion among their family to participate next year if they aren’t already doing so.  And a bonus…if you have leftover non-food stuff you can use it again next year. There’s a money saving tip for ya!

Happy Halloween!

*The words “alarming” and “epidemic” are not my words.  These are what I see frequently used in the description of food allergies from reputable sources.

**The pic above is how I set it up each year. The print off with the info is from http://www.tealpumpkinproject.org.  There are a few different ones to choose from

My last post left you hanging a little bit. If you haven’t read the post titled, Now This is A Story All About How, go check it out. Go on, I’ll wait…

Ok, cool. Now I’m sure some of you chose not to read it so here is what you missed:

A peanut butter cookie almost killed one of my children when he was 15-months-old. It was terrifying. I described the event in detail. It altered how we approach pretty much everything in our daily lives. I referenced The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song a few times and I’m hoping at least a few people got the references. 

Now if that wrap up didn’t convince you to read the post then I don’t know what will.  But now that you’re to this point, here we go…

I was eight months pregnant with Manning when Marshall, at 15-months-old, had his anaphylactic reaction to peanuts. I am still amazed it didn’t put me into labor that night.  After a couple of days went by, I found a few online support groups for moms who have kids with food allergies. I found one national group that was my go-to for information.  Sweet, I thought, I can get educated about this whole allergy thing, see how ‘normal’ it is, and learn tips on how to keep him safe. If only it was that simple. Within a couple of days all hell broke loose (hang on, I’ll get to this part soon).

So, at this point the traumatic experience of Marshall’s reaction was still extremely fresh. There’s something about watching your terrified, suffering, screaming baby get stripped naked and hooked up to IVs that kinda sorta sticks with ya. I immediately started educating myself about food allergies and discovered what a huge difference there is between a food allergy and food intolerance/sensitivities. Truth—there is a big difference. Big. Huge.

I was scared. I was mad. I was so, so, so mad at the world. It took every ounce in me not to lose it on someone who would tell me they understood exactly what I was going through because they were lactose intolerant or something similar. I was frustrated and annoyed with these people who were only trying to relate somehow unknowingly making the situation much, much worse.

It was like, Big whoop Brenda. You’ll drink some milk, have a tummy ache, and risk crapping your pants.  My. Kid. Could. Die. Yeah, like stop breathing, go into cardiac arrest, you know, death*.

These first days after the reaction were so overwhelming, but I knew I needed to educate myself. I kept obsessively researching food allergy information online and would scroll through the support group discussions constantly. Acronyms and abbreviations such as PN/TN and ANA** were used in these groups constantly and the term comfort level*** was all over posts when people were asking about safe food options.

I wanted to understand and for everything to just make sense. No, I needed everything to make sense. I needed it to make sense so badly because my baby could have died and I needed to protect him. But much of what I was reading felt like interpreting a foreign language I never knew existed. I didn’t know anyone personally I could reach out to for help with this. I felt alone in a world where food could harm my child.  I knew I didn’t get it in the moment, but tried to convince myself over and over I would get it soon. Hopefully… Eventually…

But then, just when I thought I experienced the worst of this new normal the next day came and it was basically mass hysteria in some of the food allergy groups. Complete chaos because a wheat milling company we’ll refer to as Big Wheat, had just issued a recall of their flour due to peanut contamination. Now Big Wheat isn’t a brand of flour any of us buy at the grocery store.  It is a company that supplies flour other food companies. And the problem here? Some law(s) prohibit the Food and Drug Administration from releasing certain information about food supply chains. Something about commercial confidentiality or some other BS. Instead, consumers had to contact Big Wheat directly to attempt to see if they could get any straight forward information about who they supply their flour to. The FDA wouldn’t—or couldn’t—disclose the companies Big Wheat sourced their flour to.

So, what does that mean?  It means bread, buns, crackers, cereal, breakfast bars, tortillas, cookies, bagels, donuts, chips etc…basically anything with wheat could be contaminated with peanuts. Anything.

Everything was suspect. Food that was deemed safe was now potentially deadly because the very first step in the supply chain had been, well, poisoned.

The even bigger issue that created such hysteria among the food allergy community was that Big Wheat did not name the companies they sourced their flour to. These companies now had to look into if they used this contaminated flour, what products it was used in and then needed to test those products, then issue recalls, etc…..

Are you still with me? Ok, good I hope…

At this point, in an attempt to confirm safe foods, some support groups were filled with members posting constantly about what companies they talked to and if that company would confirm if they sourced from Big Wheat or not. Newsflash—some wouldn’t.

Members were also posting about every single potential reaction people were experiencing—such as a random red mark on the skin or itchy throat—because feeding our children felt like an unavoidable game of Russian Roulette.  There was nothing but a constant vibe of fear and paranoia. We all went to the worst scenario possible. There were so many different threads going on that there was little to no organization of information. Some members and group admins certainly tried to calm the storm, but the fear and sense of urgency seemed to overshadow everything else. Especially for this newbie.

Many tossed all processed food away and severely limited what their family would eat during this time.  Many blacklisted certain companies at this point because of their lack of transparency.  This was all happening as I was trying to learn what my new normal would be, but I couldn’t. There was nothing normal on any level with what was happening. I didn’t have anything or anyone solid and calm to try and lean on or learn from at this point. I was treading water, but drowning was imminent as I couldn’t find a life jacket. What I did have, though, was a baby that I was afraid I was going to kill with food.  With f***ing food. And then I gave birth to another baby in the middle of this all.

This chaos lasted for months. Months. This is what I was thrust into. This is how I entered the food allergy world. Mass fear of food.  Mass distrust of companies. A type of anxiety I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing.

I would stare at Marshall every time he ate anything.  Just like many others, every red mark I thought was the start of another reaction.  Every cough I thought his throat was closing. I would look at his body/skin each time before he ate so I knew if anything new popped up during a snack or meal. Anywhere we went I pictured everything covered in peanut butter. No joke, I would look at people and imagined them dressed up like Mr. Peanut. It was like I was taunting myself. It sounds ridiculous, I know, however, we were thrust into this world at likely the worst imaginable time and apparently my imagination was a bit active.

During my 10-week maternity leave I was home alone with my new baby and I was obsessed with constantly checking the support groups out of fear I would miss some pertinent information. My phone constantly dinged with notifications each time someone posted—which was all day, every day for a while. I was trying to bond with my new baby and physically and mentally recover from child birth, while trying to not lose my other baby.

I. Was. Exhausted. Fortunately, Marshall was with my mom during the day while my husband was at work, so he wasn’t neglected during this time. Every time Manning was sleeping I was on my laptop researching and reading anything and everything about food allergies in general, as well as information about the recall. I almost never slept and barely made time to eat or take care of myself during this time. It sent me down a pretty deep, lonely spiral for a while and it wasn’t an easy thing to crawl out of. Quite simply, it absolutely sucked.

So there ya go. Part two of two in regards to my intense introduction to the food allergy world. A bit of a gut punch and for some reason I couldn’t quite work in any 90’s sitcom quotes into this one. There is a poor half-attempt at a Pretty Woman quote early on, but that’s it. Bonus points if you spotted it.

Until next time friends…

*Before anyone jumps on me I am in no way downplaying intolerance/sensitivities, but rather trying to convey how I felt in the moment and also get the point across that there is a lot of misunderstanding of what a life-threatening food allergy actually is.

**FYI, ‘PN/TN’ stands for peanut/tree nut and ‘ANA’ stands for anaphylaxis in these groups.

***FYI, ‘comfort level’ basically refers to what you are comfortable eating/feeding your child in regards to companies labeling practices and if an allergen is present in the manufacturing facilities or not. There is a wide range of comfort levels in the allergy community. This is something I will explain in more depth in future posts.