Dear Mama

Mother’s Day kicked off Food Allergy Awareness Week (May 12, 2019-May 18, 2019) and it is also the third anniversary of when my family entered the food allergy world.

I’m going to assume many of you have some sort of photo app that sends you alerts with the pictures you took in previous years. Every day I get an alert that says something like This Day on May 13 and up pops all the May 13^th pics from the past few years. Usually getting that notification is one of my favorite parts of the day. Especially when there is a video and I can hear Marshall and Manning’s little baby noises and voices that are ever changing. Well, this weekend I got the pictures shown above. This is Marshall a few hours after his anaphylactic reaction to peanut at 15-months old.

I’m not going to rehash the events leading up to these pictures, as you can check out my first blog post Now This is a Story if you haven’t done so yet. Let me tell you though, coming off that Mother’s Day weekend into a terrifying event, I was certainly questioning my ability to be a mom. I was absolutely lost.

When I look at those pictures now, I still don’t want to believe that a peanut has that kind of power. That any food has that power. It’s such a weird, messed up concept to grasp. Food should not have the power to do harm. But it does. And it really fucking sucks. And food allergies is a topic that needs attention, research, understanding, empathy and awareness. Plain and simple.

Because it is something without a solid management plan, I question myself constantly if I am doing what is right regarding my kids’ allergies. Am I too conservative with what I feed them? Am I too lenient? Am I the stereotypical helicopter mom I said I would never be? Am I educating them enough to keep them safe without creating anxiety and fear? Am I sending them to the school I feel they will be most safe? Am I communicating their needs properly? Will I hesitate if I need to use the Epi? Will I sacrifice what I feel is right in an effort not to inconvenience others? All the never-ending questions…

These worries and wonders used to go through my head literally almost 24/7. I was obsessed and scared and couldn’t escape it. It wreaked havoc on my mental and physical health. The fear and worry was crippling some days. The worries are still there, don’t get me wrong, but I am trying to stop questioning myself so frequently and instead confidently own this reality. Like any other mom, I just try to keep my kids safe and happy the best I know how. And I’m trying not to apologize for being an inconvenience or a burden because that’s what I feel like a lot of the time.

So, while I prefer my kids don’t repeat a lot of what 2Pac says, I hope this will ring true:

When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there’s no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act crazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me*

In closing out Mother’s Day this year…

Dear Fellow Food Allergy Mamas,

I feel your fears. I feel your frustrations.

I see your kids as more than The Food Allergy Kid. I see all you did in preparation to simply experience life events such as going to a movie theater, a playground or traveling on an airplane. I see your need for inclusivity. I see you spending more on wet wipes in your lifetime than you ever thought possible.

I understand why you avoid situations and environments that are too risky. I understand the anxiety around food focused gatherings and celebrations, which, let’s face it, are basically all the gatherings and celebrations. I understand the guilt you feel like you did something to cause this. I understand the feeling of wanting to slap the person in the grocery line next to you buying the jar of peanut butter that you can’t. Or maybe that’s just me on a bad day.

And just remember, because of this your children are likely becoming more accepting and understanding of others. Because of this you can appreciate things in life many take for granted. Because of this you are more aware of the food you are putting into your and your children’s bodies. Because of this, you will get the chance to see some people’s true colors.

You’re doing great mama. You got this. I got this. We got this.

*I own no rights to the lyrics or music or anything to 2Pac’s Dear Mama. I just frequently listen to him and other 90’s and early 2000’s rappers because it is the best genre of music. Hands down.