Recently another one of those sad birthday party posts popped up on one of my social media news feeds. The ones where a big, fun, and often elaborate party was planned for a child and then crickets. No one shows. It’s crushing to hear about these situations for both the child and for the parent or person who put all the time, money, and effort into the day, only to have it backfire. What was supposed to be a happy celebration has turned into a source of disappointment and sadness.
On the post there were tons of comments basically saying different versions of the following responses…
I still remember when no one showed to my party as a kid
It happened to me and my child and it’s heartbreaking
This always happened to me, it hurts
Happened to me as a kid and to this day I hate my birthday
I see this happening a lot
I’m planning a party now and stressed that no one will show
And also comments like this…
This is why we make a point to go to all the parties we are invited to
Do unto others, if you want people do come to yours, go to theirs
I insist we go to kids’ birthday parties whenever we are invited
It’s not that hard, just show up
And then there were many comments along the lines of…
This is why we don’t throw parties.
So, as someone who will likely not show to most of these parties, I am going to give the party perspective from a food allergy parent.
My kid and I are not skipping your party because we are fun haters. Birthday parties include a large focus on food and food has the power to kill people with food allergies. We can’t comfortably and safety walk into a chaotic birthday celebration with a million kids running around with food everywhere. Typically, the parents or party hosts are acquaintances or casual friends at best and unless they are also a food allergy family, there is naivety to what goes into providing a safe or low-risk environment.
Then there’s the fact that I don’t want to insert myself into an acquaintance’s party planning. If I were to consider bringing my kid to the party, I would have a load of questions about the environment he would be in. I would ask for the overall menu. I would ask for a list of the brands being used and to be able to see the labels of the products so I could determine if the food being served would be safe for him to consume.
And then, even with that info I also don’t know this person’s food prep cleanliness. Cross contamination and cross contact are some of the biggest fears as it is not intentional, and people don’t understand how easily allergens can spread between food items.
For me, asking for all that information is mentally exhausting, time consuming and feels intrusive. When my close family and friends have parties, this is the process we go through. I typically get a text or email of what type of food will be served and I respond with the safe options for ingredients with a reminder of making sure the food prep surface and utensils used are clean and sanitized. However, with more casual acquaintances, friends, and family I simply don’t have the trust, time or energy.
If, by chance, the party is at a public location where the kids eat and play, I may be more comfortable participating. If that’s the case I will be researching and calling the restaurant or business directly to determine if I feel the environment falls within my comfort zone. And even then, with a peanut allergy the odds are that the cake and ice cream won’t be safe as there are extreme cross contamination and cross contact risks with these types of foods.
How do you tell a young child they can’t have cake and ice cream like the other kids at the party? Either they are excluded, and sadness and a scene ensue, or I must take my time to bake a similar dessert and make a batch of my homemade ice cream so he can participate. But even this could backfire and draw negative attention to the allergy and being different.
There are also the conversations beforehand with my child about the party and staying safe. The over monitoring of the environment and making sure he doesn’t just grab unsafe food purposefully or accidentally. Its stressful, anxiety inducing, and exhausting. I am hoping when my kids get older it will get better. Easier. But when they are so young, they don’t know how to take all the necessary precautions all on their own. They are still learning and so am I.
So, to those who say its not that hard to just show up…yeah, for some it is. And it sucks. It sucks that I can’t just avoid a party because I simply don’t feel like going like a normal person gets to. I avoid a party because depending on the situation it could be dangerous. Because it is extra effort that I don’t always have time for. Because it can be absolutely exhausting.
So, please plan your party and thank you for the invite. Just remember that when people don’t come there is often more to the story. But don’t worry, I will RSVP properly because I’m not that type of awful.
Peanut Free Me by Kim Farley 